Let’s see. About me… When I was three I tried to drink my pee, it did not taste like lemonade. Around five I got chicken pox, never try to pop a chicken pock, that was about the first time I considered suicide a viable option. My mom was a dental hygienist, my dad lived in Mariana, my mom and me lived from place to place since we didn’t have much money.
One of the places we lived for a while was an apartment we rented from a family while they were on a long vacation, I lived in their teenage sons room while they were gone. I found a used condom in this guys drawer when I was six, I found out what they were for then. I also found out that Santa didn’t exist when I was six, any child can figure this out rather easily by breaking some rules.
My mom married my (now ex) step-dad when I was eight, he had money and he was a douche bag, go figure. I started smoking marijuana when I was twelve. When I was thirteen I saw a few films that glamorized drug use, and I aspired to emulate these early rebel heroes of mine. I used a lot of different drugs for years and failed 8th grade. I was driving before I started high school, which I attended rarely for about 6 months. I got caught stealing a few times and acquired some misdemeanor charges before I was eighteen. I attempted to kill myself twice, both times with pills since I hate pain. During the 2nd attempt I stole my moms car for 3 days and I don’t remember what I did. I ended up driving back home at some point and I was sent to the local psychiatric facility for a week. I tries to escape a few times, and I got sent to a scientology cult camp for underage kids, my mother thought it was a regular rehab, which is what the website claimed. Through misleading small print, parents signed over 51% of their underage kids lives to this place, meaning they had the right to physically harm kids if they tried to escape or cause ruckus. I stayed for only 6 months out of the three-year program, as my mother found out the real deal about the place and broke me out. I dabbled in harder drugs at this scientology camp than I had ever come across as a free youth. A week after I turned eighteen I was arrested for possession of many a controlled substance, and got a healthy 5 years of probation out of the deal.
Throughout the next 5 of the most horrible years of my life, I violated my probation 3 times, and spent time in jail on each of those occasions. I spent the last 2 years of my probation with a leg monitor device attached to me, with which Johnny law could keep track of me 24/7. When I finally completed my probation, after 5 long ones acting like a good boy, I was again let loose as a free man. It had been the first time that I was free since I turned eighteen, and I imagine that I was a bit shell shocked because to this day the sound of beeping, alarms, metal touching metal makes me want to hide behind the nearest piece of furniture. After getting fed up with my social awkwardness and lack of trust for everyone around me, I decided to take a vacation to Thailand. I spent 6 months in one of the most beautiful places on earth, which reinvigorated me with a lust for life and its beauty. I recently got my A.A. degree at my local community college, and just started as a junior at Florida State University, majoring in creative writing.
I am a very impulsive and childish person, so I think that it is only right for me to pursue stand-up comedy, and writing. I will keep updating this blog with all the weird SHIT that I think about, and all the SHIT that happens in my life. I’m also going to embed videos, mostly of a humorous nature, so suck it…
Posted by David Keene 
